USS Disney
by artemyspyke
Summary: A short little cracky scenario where James Tiberius Kirk can't manage his first officer, and he whines to his best friend about it. But when Bones accidentally gives him an idea, can the Captain use Disney to reach his 2nd in Command? Will there be hyposprays? Is Spock posh? Is "bestest" a word? Tune in to find out!


**Hello, all! This is not my first fanfic, but it ****_is _****the first that I've published, so... I'm excited! Tell me what you think, since it's just a fluffy little thing that I thought up the last time I went to Disneyland. I don't know if I was implying Spirk, or Kirk/Bones, or anything, but... you can see it if you want!**

**Rating: T for some language**

**Tags: Fluff, Bromance, Pre-slash if you want, Disney, Crackiness, Jim Kirk Should Be a Disney Prince**

**Warnings: None**

**Disclaimer: Obviously nothing pertaining to Star Trek, or Disneyland belongs to me. It's all Gene Roddenberry and Walt Disney's genius. Essentially, anything you recognize is not mine.**

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"I swear to_ God,_ Bones!"

And that was the only warning Leonard McCoy got, before James Tiberius Kirk launched into one of the largest exasperated rants that he'd heard from a human in a very long time.

"...and I mean, I was trying to be nice!" Jim was so mad. He was so mad, that he was pretty sure it was about to start physically manifesting . Maybe he'd be able to move objects with all this rage, like friggin' Matilda. He figured he'd earned it by now.

"Calm down, Jim," Bones tried half-heartedly. Jim's vision was tinged with red.

"No, no, Bones! I'm getting so sick of this!" He was gesticulating so wildly, that it would do Bones good to start moving the more fragile medical instruments out of the way. "He's my fucking second in command, he can't just- he should be- he-!" Jim grated a hand through his hair, and then tugged. "I was trying- to- be- nice." Bones took a deep breath, and stood from the stool he'd been sitting on since Jim first entered in a frenzy. There was a curtain on a track that ran along the ceiling, and he tugged it closed.

"Okay," he said, thudding back down onto his seat. "Start again. Slowly." Jim pulled up another chair from nearby, turned it to face towards his makeshift therapist, and plopped down in a pointedly angry manner.

"Okay, so you know Spock?"

Bones blinked slowly. "Yes, Jim."

"Right, of course you do." Jim's hand fluttered oddly up by his head, like he might want to pull his hair again."What I mean is, you know how he is, right?"

"A green-blooded hobgoblin with a fencepost up his skinny ass?"

"Exactly. And I told you about my weird mind-thingy with Old Spock, correct?" Bones nodded again, and Jim figured this might be easier than he thought. He hadn't told anyone else, not even his Spock, about the mind-meld in the cave on Delta Vega. It seemed oddly personal, and yet, he figured Bones might want to know. Being his Doctor and all. Bones had looked at him oddly for a few days after he mentioned it, but he also said that Jim wasn't going to die or start hearing voices, so he figured that was a plus.

He continued, "And apparently him and my counterpart are like, best buddies, right? So... I don't know, Bones, I must have it in my head that I'm gonna wake up one morning and- _bam!_- epic friendship. But no matter what I do, my Spock just... refuses to like me._ What_ am I doing wrong?" He'd said it all in a rush. Bones blinked again.

"_Your_ Spock?"

"You know what I mean, you dick."

Bones chuckled. "Yeah, I suppose I do." Jim looked at him helplessly. "If you're taking my word for it, I'd say just give it time. Don't be annoying either. And I didn't like you right away, you know. You grew on me after a week or two, but... damn, Boy. Patience." Jim bounced up and down in his chair.

"It's been months since the Narada thing, and Vulc-" A lump rose in Jim's throat, and he swallowed it harshly, and looked away. "What I'm saying is, I tried to be nice to him then. Comfort him, you know? And he shut me out. Now I'm trying to be nice to him, like a friend- and I'm his superior, too, damn it- but he's still refusing to open up. Even a little." Jim's lips formed a pout. Bones was silent for a moment. His eyes were wider than usual.

Then he said, "Excuse you, Jim, but he's a Vulcan. If he started 'opening up' and going all _Kumbayah_ on us, I'd be terrified." Jim was still for a moment, contemplating. Then he shrugged.

"Well, he doesn't have to be a dick." Bones laughed, a fully belly laugh that had him tipping his head back. Something in Jim's chest loosened, and he laughed too.

"Tell me about today," Bones offered. He stood, and moved to his medical supply cabinet marked_ For Specific Emergencies_. From inside he drew a tiny flask of something that was likely pretty strong, and handed it to Jim.

"On duty, Bones?" Jim asked, fake-scandalized.

"One swig, kid." Jim obeyed, and then handed it back to the doctor, who copied it. Then he set the metal container back into the drawer it came from, and shut it.

"So? Start." And Jim did.

He talked about the bridge that morning, and greeting everyone just like usual. He talked about Sulu and Chekov. He talked about Uhura. And he talked about Spock. The morning had started out normal, and it still was, actually. He'd tried to make conversation with his first officer without it seeming obvious or misplaced, but the Vulcan had only responded with short perfunctory answers. That was when Jim was starting to get annoyed. When lunch rolled around, he'd offered to eat with Spock if he wanted, and the Vulcan had declined.

"So I was a little offended, but I figured, '_Eh, he's probably eating with Uhura_'. I actually asked him, too. But then he got all snippy, and he literally said, 'Whoever I choose to share my designated lunch period with is none of your concern, Captain.'" Jim lowered his voice, and gave it a posh tone. Then he said, "I mean, who does that, Bones?"

The Doctor looked contemplative. "Well, he's sort of right," he said, finally.

"What?" Jim's voice notched up an octave. Bones shrugged.

"Why would he eat lunch with Uhura anyway? You probably shouldn't have brought it up." Jim paused, confused.

"...Why?" he asked. Now Bones looked wary.

"Well..." he paused too, as if to gauge how much Jim might already know. "I mean, they probably won't be eating lunch so much now, since... you know, they broke up."

Jim rocked back on his chair, bringing it with him so that it almost tipped over backwards. His heart sped up for a moment, or maybe it slowed way way down. Either way, his thought processes weren't firing quite right. Or was that synapses? Didn't matter.

"Since when?" he asked squeakily. Bones shrugged, eyes wide.

"Like, two weeks ago, Jim. How did you not know that?" Now it was Jim's turn to shrug, but he was feeling very frazzled, so his arms sort of just reacted and threw themselves up into the air.

"Bones, he thinks I'm a giant jerk now." The good doctor cringed.

"Maybe..." Jim's hands came down to smack onto his own forehead.

"No wonder... oh, my god..." his voice was muffled beneath his hands. Bones patted his shoulder awkwardly. There was silence in the medical bay for a minute at least, sans the ubiquitous beeping of machines. Then Jim spoke.

"How... do I make this better?" he asked. He let his hands drag down his face to emphasize the unfairness that was his life. Bones just snorted.

"Dunno, Jimmy. Take him to Disneyland?" Jim glared.

"Hardy har ha-...h-h-holy shit on a fetch stick, Bones... that's _genius_!" His voice rose until it was shouting the last word. The doctor reacted instinctively and smacked a hand over his Captain's mouth.

"What?" he hissed. "No, Jim. No. I was joking. It was a joke. You know? 'Hahaha,' that kind of thing? A joke. Do not take Spock to Disneyland. Ever. My god. The poor children." Jim glared, but the effect was lost with half of his face covered. He pried Bones' hand away.

"No, Bones. I meant, like... take the crew, you know? My bridge crew?" he was smiling, a plan forming. "We've got a scheduled shore-leave in like, three weeks! C'mon, Bones, how cool would that be? I've never gotten to go before!" He was speaking really fast now, he knew, and Bones was looking at him like he was completely off his rocker, but_ come on_.

"Tell me you're kidding. Tell me, please."

"I'm deadly serious. I've never been so serious in my life." Jim's eyes were shining. "Mom always said she'd take me and Sam when we were little, but she was off-planet so much, you know? And then I thought I'd go once I left, but- hey, poor drunk guy! And then at the Academy I never had time! Bones, please say you'll go! Disneyland, man! Seriously!" Bones looked about four inches from sticking a hypo in his Captain's neck, but Jim didn't care. If he could actually pull this off, it would be the sweetest thing ever.

Then Bones did something that Jim really didn't expect.

"Yeah, okay," he said. Jim stopped short.

"Er... really?"

"Yes, Idiot, really." He glared, "I will go to_ fucking Disneyland_ with you, because we have two weeks off for bi-annual maintenance, several people aboard this ship need to loosen up, and you need a handler. So, God have mercy on my sweet Georgian soul, I will go to Disneyland with you." Bones breathed deeply, and shut his eyes. Jim took a moment to swallow the largest swell of affection and gratitude that he'd ever felt for the man in front of him, and then said in a super-professional tone:

"This is why you're my bestest friend." Then he stood, dusted imaginary dirt off of his pants, and pushed his chair back to where it should be. "Afternoon, Doctor. I will contact you at a later date with a follow-up." Bones cracked an eye open, like one would when one wasn't sure how much a bright light would hurt their eyes, and then nodded.

"Of course, Captain." Jim moved to the sick-bay exit, but stood for another moment in silence.

Then he turned, and said over his shoulder with a grin, "Thanks, Bones." The good doctor sighed tragically, but smiled right back.

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**Thanks for reading! I think this originally had an actual ending in mind, but it just sort of fluffed its way to completion. Maybe I'll write more. Prolly not. **

**Anyway, I hope you liked it! Feel free to drop me a review if there's something that could be changed, or just tell me what you like! Might make my day! **


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